Endure

“Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good! His faithful love endures forever.” (Psalm 136:1 NLT)

The word endure is defined as to “suffer (something painful or difficult) patiently”.

Many of us have been enduring. Some endure physical hardships, some endure mental hardships, and some endure because they love a challenge (looking at you, marathon runners). If anything is clear, it is the COVID-19 lockdowns and mandates have caused much difficulty for many people, myself included. I personally have been dealing with mental struggles, even before the lockdowns began 19 months ago. Although I would not say I have endured. Suffered yes, but there was nothing patient about my suffering.

In the middle of last year I was diagnosed with moderate major depression and OCD anxiety. On one hand this was a blessing because I finally knew why I felt the way I did. On the other, I felt broken. Instead of seeking the treatment that I needed, I isolated myself. I quit taking phone calls and ignored texts. I put on a fake smile, the mask, as I have come to call it. This complicated things within my marriage and my ministry because I did not feel genuine. I felt like a fake version of myself, a phony. How could I help others if I was not willing to be helped? I couldn’t. So I made the decision to step away from vocational ministry.

I thought this would give me a break and an opportunity to hit the reset button on my mental state, but all it did was push me further into the darkness. Instead of taking the time to heal, I started to tell myself I was a failure, a quitter. Instead of seeking help, I was sitting in hell. A mental hell of self-doubt and self-loathing. I began to question my faith. Why is God allowing me to suffer? Why is God not answering my prayers? Where are you God?!

Looking back at those moments of emptiness and despair, it’s clear He was with me through it all. God had answered my prayers in the form of doctors and therapists that had gifts of helping people through these times, I had simply refused the help. Just as a person with a broken leg should seek medical attention immediately, so it is with a broken mind. We would not lay in bed praying for a miraculous healing of a broken bone, we should not lay around praying for the same in the case of our mental state. This is not to downplay the importance of prayer. It is my firm belief that it is prayer that has given me the strength to seek help. I am simply saying that God answers prayers through a variety of ways and often through others. In this case those others are doctors.

“Give thanks to him who led his people through the wilderness. His faithful love endures forever.” (Psalm 136:16 NLT)

I feel like I am being led out of the wilderness of my own mind. I am learning what true faith looks like. I am learning what it means to truly surrender to Christ, because if I am honest, I did not want to write this. I did not want to open up about my struggle. Fear and pride have blinded me to the joys that come with following Christ. But I can no longer ignore God or His call.

Being humbled is rarely a fun experience. It causes us to take an honest look at ourselves. And sometimes we don’t like what we see! Although the humbling experience can be brutal, it is always beneficial. Since opening up about my mental struggles, I have found that there are many others that share my same feelings. So many of us are hurting and living with deep mental pain. To those who have shared your struggles, I continue to pray for you, for healing. For those who are living in a private hell of mental anguish, I would say to seek the help you need. It is amazing how better you will feel by simply being open and honest with yourself and with others. You don’t have to continue to live with this burden alone.

“He saved us from our enemies. His faithful love endures forever.” (Psalm 136:24 NLT)

The bible is clear we have a real enemy, not of flesh and blood but of “cosmic powers over this present darkness,” (Ephesians 6:12 ESV). Darkness is exactly how I would describe the place I have been for so long. In those dark times it is important that we hold, not onto our feelings, but to God’s truth. “Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path.” (Psalm 119:105 NLT) Hold fast to God’s word, it is the light that will lead you out of the darkness.

“This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all.” (1 John 1:5 ESV).

Seek help, seek God, seek the light.